In Summary

Rendition. Empty tins make a lot of noise which will very often make you laugh. Visit this page every Sunday to encounter Empty Tin and his warped ideas.

Bank of Uganda has asked the government to scrap Mobile Money tax. The bearded man at central bank says Mobile Money revenue has dipped by more than Shs600 billion since the introduction of the tax. This reduction, they say, has affected revenue collection from Mobile Money transactions.

But we all know the recommendation that Mobile Money is scrapped is nothing but an academic matter that should be placed in box files and shelved until Idi Amin returns from the dead. Like really, why should a man who went to the bush and fought another man with afro hairstyle into fleeing to exile be concerned about this man who only has beards?

Isn’t Mutebile aware of own failure to get the shilling to perform against the dollar? Where was he when we were being weaned on Loren Ovredon, Cynthia Rothrock and Jean Claude van Damme’s ‘No Retreat No Surrender’ hits in kibanda? As far as this page is concerned, people like Bahati grew up saving Shs100 for KK The Best movies in kibanda—they know what not retreating and not surrendering means.

If Mutebile wants to join the comedy industry, then La Bonita and National Theatre have never stopped receiving comedians. But to wake up from a nightmare and blame it on the cash cow that is Mobile Money is cheer dishonesty.

I am so disappointed in the central bank. You ask government to scrap the Mobile Money tax without giving Bahati alternatives? How will we stop the dollars from proceeds of sale of cattle and coffee from going back to foreigners if we don’t get more taxes? Where will we find money to give MPs whenever there are some controversial Bills to pass in Parliament? How will that mobile toilet be driven wherever if we don’t collect taxes? Why can’t no one think about the fact that even Anite needs that tax to foot her bills in the US?

This is a matter of war here. We are prepared to go back to the bush. If central bank officials think the 27 guns have since become a mere movie directed by our daughter, then he will be up for a big surprise.
Anyway, we have exhausted our quota of ranting for the day so now that the pent up energy is gone, let’s talk about how to implement that Mobile Money tax effectively. You see, the technocrats in government are all selfish. If their boss is reading this, he should worry less about who succeeds Kabila in that huge restless jungle of a country and focus on settling this Mobile Money tax issue.

Since the technocrats are selfish, they have avoided pushing through measures to make the tax a success. We are talking things like paying salary of MPs through Mobile Money. First, this tax should be declared more sacrosanct than our badly raped Constitution. That way, everyone and everything will be subjected to it—even the mobile toilet.

How will we do this? Simple. All services should go through this tax. To fuel or empty the CPU (central processing unit) of that mobile toilet, money has to be paid through MM. It is taxed. Then turn to MPs. Those guys idiotematically (don’t even think of your dictionary, that word exists in Empty Tin) passed the tax Bill without a care to the laws of nature. Now let’s pay all their salaries and allowances through Mobile Money.

Imagine Kibuule is paid Shs25 million and one per cent is deducted on deposit. He withdraws some and loses another one per cent. Then loan sharks call with the anger of a man denied breastfeeding upon minister Opendi’s idleness, he sends them some money and loses more to taxes. And there are 456 Kibuules. Now think about that.

From there, all the public servants will be paid salaries through Mobile Money. Those who don’t want can seek expert guidance on how to rear ducks from Otafiire.

Last but not least, we can turn the tax guns on idlers on social media. Imagine levying one per cent mobile money tax on Mwenda every time he posts his gibberish, or on Besigye every time he opens his eyes to look at the word defiance in his mind, or on Bebe Cool every time he opens his mouth…

Yes, this country is abundant in tax resources. Museveni just hasn’t appointed the right Taxpert yet. This is complimentary consultancy, but for detail on how to many more things we can tax, someone ask Museveni to call us on 0782SEAMAN.