Dear Heart to Heart, I am 22 and in my final year at university. For the past one year and three months I have been dating a 35-year-old man who has a 12-year-old daughter that I chose to adopt as a little sister. Although we have dated for a while, I have not met any of his relatives or friends and I do not know where he lives. What is disturbing is that although he works, he keeps asking me for money to sort out some of his issues. The only time he calls me is when he wants to have sex with me. Is he just using me? Anonymous.


David Nakabaale: First and foremost, you need to know your worth. You are a princess, the child of the most high God and you should behave accordingly. Why would you lower your self-worth to that extent? It is obvious that this man is just taking advantage of you and most probably has a family the reason you do not know here he lives. Protect yourself and run as fast as you can.

Jane Nabanakulya: A man is supposed to provide. In your case, however, you have given him the freedom to take what belongs to you and give nothing in return. What are you gaining from this relationship? If he had a problem, he would talk to you and you both find a solution. Love is never one-sided like that.

Maurine Lassfolk: At only 21 you have your whole life ahead of you. Why don’t you concentrate on finishing your course and getting a job? You will meet someone who is worthy and will know your worth. Run and do not wait for this man to infect you with diseases.

Peter Kanene: Why then do you keep having sex with him? Women must learn that once you make it easy for a man to sleep with you, they will do it continuously even if there is no emotional attachment. Stop sleeping with him and give him an ultimatum. You either get a commitment promise and a clear indication of the way forward or run for your dear life.

Allano Hooks: Almost a graduate and until now you do not have the ability to critically view things? You are not less than a sex machine, ATM and a babysitter to him. Cancel that man from your heart, take a year off relationships and concentrate on building your career and personality, the right man will find you on your way up.

Charles Tonge-yonga: I just do not understand what women want. What advise do you need my dear? Do you want me to say dump him? Think between the line and follow your heart because the answer is very clear. Make a decision now.

Nyakojo Donavan Alecs: You do not know where he stays, but you chose to adopt his daughter. Where did you meet the daughter? It could be possible that he stays with the mother of the daughter, and you are just a side chick. Find a serious man and get married before it is too late.

Om’tta Jaxrafa: Wake up. Otherwise he is going to use you until the day you let go of him. You have said he has a 12- year-old child. Do you know where the mother of that child is? This man cannot be trusted if he cannot even look after you but ask for money from you. Run for your life my dear.

Fred Daniels: If I were you, I would have quit that relationship like yesterday. Why can’t you realise what you have put yourself into? You are nothing but a sex object to him. Why in God’s name are you giving money to him? Pursue your dreams otherwise you might wake up when it is too little late.
Nanyange Hannah: My dear it is obvious he is using you. Gather the courage and get him out of your life. However difficult it is, you will get over him with time. Do yourself justice please.

Felix Rwamafa Turyakira: This is obvious, the guy has a family and he has left you to take care of his own daughter whom I think he got out od wedlock and is scared to take her home to his wife. Where are you in this equation?

Simon Elweu: I think you have been turning down serious men because of him. It is time you realise that this one is just wasting your time and move on with your life.

Giu Bon: Your sweetheart has a wife and children at home. You now are looking after his 12-year-old daughter because he impregnated some girl somewhere and abandoned her. He might also have a number of other children from different women, who are now living with him and his wife. What I am trying to tell you is to run for your dear life because this is not the man for you.

Sseguya Fiona: Leave that man because he has a wife and he is not ready to take you as his woman. He is just using you to satisfy his sexual desires and the moment that stops he will leave you.

Counsellor’s say
Analyse your relationship

Dear Anonymous, your situation is unfortunate. It is okay to date even at university as some relationships end up in marriage. However, the dilemma here is that your partner is 13 years older than you are and is expecting a lot from you.
Love does not pretend and cannot be hidden. When a man loves a woman, he will tell his friends, relatives and parents. This is a way of seeking acknowledgement from them and showing you off. If he does not do this, your relationship may be questionable.
Also when it comes to sex, women first get bonded emotionally to have sex with any man and if this does not exist, they do not feel it right and usually do it out of obligation. Also, if he loves you, he should be willing to wait if you ask him to. The urge for sex is not a demonstration for true love. It is a spice of official and genuine love.
Asking you for money is an eye opener for you to critically think through your relationship. Take time and view yourself 10 years later. Do you think this man is worth keeping? Will he be able to provide for you?
At 22, you have ample time to think about the kind of partner you need. Do not rush into commitments where you are not valued.

Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, counselling psychologist at Ssuubi Medical Centre

Compiled by Beatrice