Brethren, today is an auspicious day. Today, May 27, X years ago, I was born! Now, you did not really expect me to reveal my age, did you? Ha!

Well, I have been thinking. Birthday celebrations are tricky to figure out for a complicated creature like myself. I want to be celebrated, but not in public, to be fed with delicious treats, but only specific treats mark you, otherwise what is the point?

And I realised that what I need to do is to organise my specific likes, wants and dislikes into a list that dear husband can refer to for this and future celebrations.

1. No surprise parties. There is nothing surprising about surprise parties. Where two or three are gathered, there is no surprise. The only surprise is that people still expect them to work. Please, do not throw me a surprise party. Parties mean arranging my face into a welcoming, pleased and excited expression for over two hours. This is hard work. I do not want to work hard on my birthday.

2. The only cake I can consider is carrot cake. All other cakes are poor, sad, distant runners-up. Carrot cake is special. It is the cake that signifies big things are happening. Any sponge cake is expressly banned from my sight on my birthday.

3. I accept birthday cards. We must keep the greeting cards industry before we degenerate into a world where the only birthday greeting sent is HBD, or those idiotic emoticons that people love to send digitally.

For this reason, I request that you purchase a suitable greeting card in good time and present it to me on the day. In tough economic times, you may forego giving a gift but the greeting card is non-negotiable.

4. The whole day is my birthday. My birthday begins just after midnight and ends just before midnight. Despite the existence of Women’s Day and Mother’s Day, this is the only day I can lay claim to exclusively. Kindly remember, if I had not been born, your life would not be as wonderful as it currently is.
Happy Birthday to me!