In Summary
  • Or we could just save more money by quietly sealing our greedy MPs (the whole cantankerous, amoral lot of them) in a container and sending it to Antarctica.
  • That’s about a KShs1m a month saved, per person. Those who survive the cold can eat each other up, I reckon. On that morbid note, have a wonderful Sunday.

A few days ago, one of my workmates was telling us about a showerhead that switches itself off automatically after 10 minutes, thus conserving water and electricity. His listeners were thoroughly impressed and hailed it as a welcome idea in these tough economic times.

I, on the other hand, was horrified. A shower that switches itself off after 10 minutes? What kind of medieval torture device is this? Brethren, it takes me the full 10 minutes to shower, with some extra time thrown in to tidy up the shower area once I’m done. How does a normal person manage to achieve all this in five minutes or less?

Kenyans, when asked how they are (financially) will always shake their heads and tell you that they are just ‘managing’. But in truth, 2019 is the year when ‘just managing’ has become frighteningly real.

Since we have to conserve all our resources,
I propose we begin by stopping this nonsense called ironing. Do you know just how much electricity we spend ironing clothes, eh? It could power the Vatican for a month! Where is it written in the constitution that man must iron his clothes? Nowhere! Away with the back-breaking hours spent over our ironing boards!

And here is another resource saver: reconfiguring car engines to run on human waste. I have previously, in this column, suggested powering cars on urine, but I have rethought this. Human waste, I believe, will burn slower and run longer. I’m sure technology can be developed to ensure that the end product is as odour-free as possible.

Happily, families like mine where there are children under the age of two will have a head start in waste-fuel production. Why buy diapers when baby can simply be positioned on top of the fuel receptacle about four times daily? Double the savings!

Or we could just save more money by quietly sealing our greedy MPs (the whole cantankerous, amoral lot of them) in a container and sending it to Antarctica. That’s about a KShs1m a month saved, per person. Those who survive the cold can eat each other up, I reckon. On that morbid note, have a wonderful Sunday.