Dear Heart to Heart, My husband and I have been married for five years but before we met, he had been in a relationship and got a child. Despite assuring me that he ended the relationship, I feel he didn’t. For example, when she calls to ask for anything, he will not settle until he buys it. He does not mind spending all the money on her and when I ask for something, he will say he does not have money. I work but use all my salary on looking after the family. I feel drained and taken advantage of. What should I do? Anonymous
Bonnie Ogwang. Sorry about this, but there are few things we would want to know: In the five years that you have been with him, do you have a child?
When you started this relationship, did he tell you in the first place that he has a child with another woman?
Have you tried talking to him about your discomfort regarding the way he is running the relationship between the two of you?
Now look here, you said you work and all the money goes to taking care of the family., please try getting into a dialogue with your man, ask him what he thinks. If he wants to take care of his child, ask him to bring the child home so you can be the mother of that child and if he refuses, tell him you cannot continue with him. I know it will not be easy but you have to make a choice either to share that man with another woman or save the situation when it is still early. Good luck!!!
Katushabe Moreen. Don’t worry about anything inasmuch as you are neglected, and unwanted because of that treatment from your husband. But to start with, learn to love and appreciate yourself, that will increase your self esteem. Don’t put too much thought to it because it will hurt you the more and yet you have no control over it. Just let him be then focus on what makes you happy. Continue fulfilling your responsibilities but not to the extent of pushing yourself to the wall, do what you can. Be happy, take care of yourself, love yourself. All will be well dear.
Lydia Montana. I was once in the same situation but try to talk to your man. If he really loves, you he will change.
Nyap’bitek Emilly. My dear, I think you should let him be with the mother of his child. Move on with a man that doesn’t have a child and you will enjoy your marriage.
Gumisiriza Pieterson Rwabihurwa. Be specific, miss Anoymous, when that woman calls, what exactly does she ask for? Baby stuff or her own?
Matata Safi Five good years without giving him a child! What do you think he married you for? Children keep relationships going stronger. You have not indicated any efforts to getting one, meaning you could but just you do not want to.
Kyomugisha Prossy. My dear, don’t waste time with that man. You are still young, try your lucky some where else rather than caring for a co-wife and her child. Don’t you have other things to do? Do you think she will look after yours?
Tom Malinga. He has a right to take care of his child. How many children do you have with him? If you don’t have, please just get out of the house otherwise that man is not yours.
Dora Kayz Wa Bobi. I have a word of advice to all women, know your worth and respect yourself first.
Samex Kabugo. Sorry my dear, however, a woman will never say bye to her first cut and remember the first cut is the deepest.
Ketty Jojo. Pray for him, he might be under some bondage or spell. There is a reason why he married you not her. However, always know that a real man has to take care of his children, especially when he doesn’t live with them, he feels guilty and makes up with spending a lot on them.
Daniel Eurien. So you want him to neglect his child so he can give you money for your hair?
James Aloka. First of all, engage a close person of his and try to talk it out. If doesn’t work out then move on.
Peter Nelson. First come, first served! First cut is the deepest. You never know he is what he is because of that woman and he only married you because of your beauty. Get it that you are his second wife and take things easy. Suffer with a good heart.
Myriad Lyra. Sweet heart, marriage is like a cage. Those in, feel like they should feel the breeze of freedom. Your insecure feeling is normal, believe you will get over it. Just know, before you , there was a honey, darling, queen, princess, sweetheart, mum, and all the beautiful names that you know of but things, did not go well.
counsellor’s say> Lois Nakibuuka, Freelance counselor
Talk to your husband
Instinct is a very powerful thing and if backed up with evidence like the one you give; it is most often correct. Although he claims to be out of the relationship physically, clearly, your husband has not left the past relationship emotionally.
This could be due to several reasons such as guilt over something that happened in their relationship or perhaps the relationship ended prematurely and he was not ready for it to stop. He may have rushed out of the relationship before he was sure he wanted to leave.
Carefully choosing a time and place to speak about your observations and concerns in a straightforward but non confronting manner may help your husband to realize what is going on and how hurt you are.
Depending on the outcomes of your conversation, you may discover some information which may help you to understand the situation better and to find a way of dealing with it. If you fail with the diplomacy between the two of you, then visiting a counselor together and talking over the matter with them might also help to bring closure to the previous relationship.