In Summary

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Self-styled music doctor, Jose Chameleone, on Friday called journalists to a rare news briefing in Lugogo.
He spent one hour and 40 minutes ranting about the “unfairness” of the society and “people refusing to understand what I am genuinely doing for this great capital city of ours”.
The musician’s issues stem from last week’s occasion during which he “handed over a brand-new bus” for newly-promoted Uganda Premier League side Wakiso Giants. Apparently, the public remained sceptical about his bus story so, to clarify the matter, he called the news briefing.
Empty Tin covered the imaginary briefing and below is what transpired verbatim.

Brand-new bus
“First, I take this opportunity to thank everyone who came and those who didn’t make it here because they are busy. Second and the rest, last week I handed over a brand-new bus to Wakiso Giants, but instead of celebrating this historic moment, many people took to social media to ridicule my kind gesture.
“Everyone is now an expert on Chameleone. Expert on buses. Expert on Wakiso Giants. And expert on Oregon… But I assure you that my intention was driven by passion and loyalty to my team.

“I have supported Wakiso Giants since 1960s. In fact, when Idi Amin banned Express FC, that season it was Wakiso Giants that was to win the league. Amin spoilt it all for us. My uncle played for the team in the super league in the 1980s too and naturally, I followed in his footsteps in the 1970s by playing for Wakiso Giants.
“Anyway, the cut to the long story briefly, Wakiso Giants are back with a bang and haters will hate but life goes on. I’m proud to associate with my childhood team. Back then I played on the right wing, we called it Number 11 those days.

“Ho-ho, my left foot was dazzling. I still vividly flash memories of my three goals against URA FC at Namboole in 1981. But when I talk, haters will say it’s politics.
“Let me not brag but assure you that the bus story is very true. Don’t listen to haters. The friend in Oregon, I would name him but you know American people don’t like publicity.
“And the big news is that this is all just the beginning. Beyond Wakiso Giants and for sports in Uganda, I will deliver in leadership.

Problems
“The league is doing well. But there are problems. Although there is a big sponsor now, cash is still short and KCCA isn’t helpful. There will come a time when I am Lord Mayor, I will ensure maximum funding to Fufa so that the league is so strong we qualify four teams to compete against Barcelona and Real Madrid in Champions League.
“By 2022, we should have local teams in English Premier League and English South African league so that they feature on SuperSport alongside Arsenal, Manchester, Bayern and Sundowns.

“We want to ensure that there are more teams in our league. Currently, only 16 teams feature. With more funding, we will have more, like 32, so that at least each season has three winners with big-big trophies.
“Currently, only one team wins and it is always Vipers or KCCA, leaving Villa and Express fans frustrated yet they have the biggest share of capital city fans. They throw stones and beat up refs. This will be no more when we have six trophies for league winners.

“I met Fufa president. Moses Magogo is my good friend. I assured him of funding and told him that the reason Villa and Express are struggling is because of fewer teams. We will increase the number of teams so that even if Villa and Express are 12th or 14th, there are still 10 others below them.
“Wakiso Giants have a brand-new bus. Chameleone has a big heart. So many more teams will get buses. Watch the space. My friend Magogo was very impressed when I talked of three trophies for three winners every season. He couldn’t stop laughing.
“At least he understands me, unlike noisemakers on Facebook who can’t appreciate service delivery. No politics. True promises.”