Judging by the number of ‘inspiring’ WhatsApp messages I am subjected to week after week, it seems the common man is in dire need of inspiration, motivation and a host of other things ending with ‘tion’ (sadly, ‘imagination’ is missing from this list).
The trending thing nowadays is to endlessly share stories of people doing the impossible- e.g., a double amputee flying a plane, relying on nothing but his toes, sheer grit and determination. Or to write an exam while in the throes of labour with your first child, with nothing but a cactus plant to shelter you and then emerge one of the top 10 students nationally...I’m sure you get my drift.
Well, I was fortunate to be born with all my fingers and toes, and to have access to fairly good medical facilities. So how can someone as average, as ordinary, as yawnsome as myself hope to stand out in this difficult-to-impress world?
I have been thinking, what I need is to sell something the masses want: Inspiration. I plan to write a slim, inspirational manual called Breathe Your Way to Success, and I already have a synopsis ready. Here’s the introduction: “How many times do you breathe daily? Can you even count? Well the shocking news is this—You are doing it all wrong!” And with that shocking, mind-boggling statement, my best-seller will be born.
Chapter 1 will be all about breathing mindfully. That is, breathing in your problems and exhaling them out of your system. The chapter will be padded with motivating statements such as “Picture your problem. Visualise the problematic person. Exhale them away. With each breath say, ‘I release you from my mind.’ Who needs annoying WhatsApp forwards when you can just buy my affordable best-selling book Breathe Your Way to Success?
Chapter 2 and subsequent chapters will teach the reader how to breathe successfully in different environments- at work, at home, in public gatherings, in the presence of enemies, etc. I’d love to give you a sneak preview but alas! You will just have to buy the book to satisfy your curiosity.
Don’t forget the book will have an up-close photograph of me plastered on the front—with a manic gleam in my eye as I wait for all you unsuccessful breathers to purchase my book and change your lives (while making me a millionaire).